lyndseywatt – Learning to LOVE

A long overdue update my friends:

Hello! It has truly been way too long since I have written a post and shared with you all. I have sat down many times to write this post and others, but I have had a hard time expressing myself in words.

Since my initial diagnosis I have focused on staying positive, believing in myself and my body, along with making sure that I am surrounded by love and light. These are the parts of the journey that this blog is based on and that I love to share. Over the last few months it has been harder for me to stay in this mindset, harder for me to quiet my mind and much harder to accept what was happening to my body and my spirit. These feelings are also much harder for me to share.

At my last update with you I had stopped the oral chemotherapy (Xeloda) and was looking into all the options available to me. My CT scan at the time showed significant growth in the liver, lungs and lymphatic system, even while on the oral chemotherapy so they stopped the Xeloda. They were offering me another chemotherapy combination but in my heart and my head, I knew that I was not strong enough to do it. I needed to hit reset both physically and mentally. At this point it felt like nothing conventional was going to work.

I focused on my natural treatments and dove right into researching different clinical trials that may be better suited for me than another round of chemotherapy. We ended up sending all my scans and bloodwork back down to the Mayo Clinic and chose to participate in a trial through the Side Out Foundation. Here they take a biopsy of a solid tumor (in my case it was the liver) and do a bunch of genomic testing on it to see if any genetic variants or mutations appeared that they could target with different drugs. We liked that there was no commitment to have to start one of the chosen therapies so it was a good starting place for us. It would give us more information about the cancer and hopefully point us in a direction for some more targeted treatments.

Fast forward to the trip to Arizona. I had to stop taking all my pain medicine (I was using cannabis oil and Naproxen) 5 days before the biopsy as they didn’t want my blood being too thin. I had been on both of these for quite some time so stopping them threw me a big curve ball. It was the first time I realized how bad things had gotten. By the time we made it to Arizona I was in so much pain, my breathing was very laboured and I had a horrible cough. After seeing the doctor they did a CT scan right away to rule out a blood clot in my lungs from the flight down. They did all the necessary bloodwork for the biopsy, gave me some pain medicine that unfortunatley didn’t touch my pain and I was supposed to go in for the procedure the next day.

We made it back to the Mayo the following day to meet with the doctor and found out that my bloodwork was really poor and my liver was showing signs of failing. Normally I would not even qualify for the trial based on these results but they had talked to the study leaders and decided they would go ahead if the doctor and I wanted to proceed. This news combined with how I was feeling made the decision not to do the trial easier. I wanted so badly to participate but my body was clearly saying it had had enough. After talking to the doctor about the bloodwork and CT results we came to the conclusion that I needed to come home and get started on chemotherapy again right away. My options were to either do the chemo or do nothing and treat the symptoms as they appear. I had been focusing solely on alternative treatments for about 6 weeks and things had progressed drastically so keeping on that route was frightening. I knew at that precise moment that I had to keep fighting. I was not ready to say it was over.

Once the decision was made I was able to start back on my pain medicine right away and was feeling much better within 6 hours of doing so. I even got to enjoy the sun and the pool a little bit before we headed home.

After coming home we met with my oncologist right away. My bloodwork was continuing to deteriorate but I was determined to get started on treatment right away. This was the hardest appointment we have had to go through yet. My doctor went though all the Palliative Home care information with us, the Goals of Care Designation and all the conversations that you never want to have with your doctor and your husband at 30 years old. I feel like this quote from another woman living with Stage IV Breast Cancer says how I was feeling really well:

The goal this time around would be to regain some control over the cancer and hopefully shrink it back so that I would qualify for future trials. I was am still am ready.

And finally………..TODAY. I have done 3 rounds of the new chemotherapy which is a combinations of two agents: Carboplatin and Gemcitabine. I am on a modified schedule due to side effects and blood counts but I get my treatment every 2 weeks. The side effects have not been pleasant but each treatment has been better than the last as we have been able to adjust my anti-nasuea medicine each time and some of my IV fluids through my naturopathic doctor. My alternative treatments are continuing and they include High dose Vitamin C, Artsenate, Mistletoe and localized hyperthermia 3x with each treatment. My diet and juicing have suffered as I have been unable to eat much over the last few months. I basically have to eat whatever I can to start putting some weight back on and get some nutrition. When I feel good this is easier but when I feel terrible Mexi Fries and Cheerios seem to be the best option :).

I am slowly coming out of this place of sorrow and fear. Your kind words in emails, the mail and visits have re-ignighted my spark. Although my side effects keep me from doing a whole heck of a lot right now, I feel the love, energy and light around me more than ever. I feel like I am ready again for whatever this Cancer has in store for me. I am just not ready to let it take over.

And FINALLY some good news in all of this. My last bloodwork showed that my liver function has drastically improved. I get scanned again next week which will give us a better idea of whether or not the chemo is working. The greatest motivation to move forward and continue pushing through treatment is how I feel. My pain is 75% better than it was before, my cough has almost disappeared and I can no longer feel my swollen liver. Our fingers, toes and hairs are crossed for some good news next week and I will be sure to keep you posted with an update (much sooner than this one).

Lots of love,

Lyndsey
xoxo

Learning to…..TRUST

Hello friends. I wrote this post yesterday while driving through the Rocky Mountains. I am oh so very excited to be spending the next 10 days surrounded by the beautiful mountains, trees and family. 10 days to sit in the mountains, clear my head and hopefully get some insight on some treatment decisions that I am struggling with.

Looking outside the window, I am amazed at the ability of Mother Nature. I remember when these fires happened along Highway 93. I was younger and my parents would take my brother, sister and I to Panorama on our annual summer holiday. I have always thought the drive through this area was breathtaking and the trip out after the fires was no different. Still breathtaking, our first drive through was a bit more dark and dreary. With burnt mountainsides and no trees as far as you could see, you couldn’t help but feel sad and maybe a bit angry.

Today as I am driving, I see hope. I see small trees, shrubs and flowers peeking through the ground brush that has grown up over the years. The forest is repairing the damage caused by these fires and starting over. Just like I am.

The last 6 weeks or so has been hard. Hard physically, mentally and emotionally. Living for today has been difficult as I was not happy with today. I have been feeling angry, alone and so sick and tired of feeling sick and tired all the time. I was starting to not trust the process or my body to help me through this difficult journey. NOT TODAY!

As I said before, NOT TODAY! Today I feel hopeful. Hopeful that healing, rebuilding and repairing my body is possible. I am much smaller than these vast mountain sides. I have not been completely destroyed by this disease as they were by these fires. Mother nature is fascinating, powerful and healing. She turns tragedy into something beautiful. I will too.

I look forward to making this drive year after year with my family and teach Sawyer as my parents taught me. I look forward to seeing this beautiful mountainside all re-grown over the next 20-30 years. But most of all, I look forward to today. I trust that I will be guided to the right decision for me and my body and I trust that I will allow myself to make the right decisions for me during this transition in my treatment plan.

Lots of LOVE,

Lyndsey Watt

* I will do another full health update once we have sorted through everything and receive all the information we need to process where I am right now. For now I can share that I have stopped the oral chemotherapy that I was on and am looking into all natural and western options available to us.

Hello Friends…..

It has been a crazy few weeks in our house so I thought for this weeks post I would just give everyone a quick update. We now have a 2 YEAR OLD, so there have been lots of parties, presents and laughter going on at our house.

In the midst of parties and fun I had my first followup CT scan and there were no big changes which is great news!! One stable scan and now we are hoping for some shrinkage! I have started all of the alternative treatments that I am going to be on at this time and for the most part I am feeling awesome.

What is next? We are heading to BC next week for a little holiday, some Crystal Bed therapy and then my first full body hyperthermia treatment!! A lot of people have been asking so I will be sure to let you know how it goes. I will have another scan at the beginning of August to see how we are doing. Fingers and toes all crossed!

On a personal level I am still focusing my meditations and “me time” on forgiveness. Both of myself and others. I hope to feel more at peace throughout this month with everything that I have been working on. I am looking forward to lots of mini family holidays over the next 3 weeks (Panorama, Salt Spring & Murray Lake all before the end of the month) and then an August/September filled with relaxation and LOVE.

Thank you for all your messages, comments and LOVE over the past couple months. If you have emailed me and not heard back yet, I promise I have read it and am in the process of getting back to you. I am still working on being a bit more organized 🙂 The generosity and support that we are receiving daily still blows my mind. THANK YOU.

Stay tuned for a look at some photos done over the past year with Jayme at The Paper Deer Photography, another May Cause Miracles update and then a health update in August!

Lots of LOVE,

Lyndsey

May Cause Miracles Update #2

Learning to FORGIVE…..if you are new to my blog check out the May Cause Miracles project here.

I have been having some energy treatments and Reiki done recently and both my throat chakra and my heart centre chakra have been cold. I am told that this means the energy is not flowing through these chakras easily and there may be some blocks to break through in order to get the energy moving. It has sparked some pretty in depth conversations about the healing powers of energy work and how it could benefit my physical health by dealing with issues of forgiveness. This tied right into what I was currently working on in “May Cause Miracles“.

I have read a lot about radical remissions, where the survivor attributes their healing to different energy work and I am currently reading about the John of God who has healed many people through different spiritual practices. This is a part of this journey that intrigues me and there is a lot to learn. The importance of the mind-body connection becomes more and more apparent daily and the miracles that are occurring because I am paying attention to myself make it an exciting learning experience.

Miracles are natural. When they do not occur, something has gone wrong.
Gabrielle Bernstein talking about "A Course in Miracles" in her "May Cause Miracles" book.

Over the past few months I have been really focusing on positive self talk and immediate forgiveness of myself for small setbacks or actions that are not in line with my current mindset. I was given an exercise by my councillor to actively pay attention to my thoughts and if I was thinking something about myself that I would not say out loud to my best friend, then I needed to stop. The mind is so powerful that your thoughts can be detrimental to your health. Some recent examples of this would be: In the past I would have gotten really stressed out and maybe even quit this project because I am not on track with Gabrielle Bernstein in her book May Cause Miracles. Heck, I should be almost done! Instead, I am telling myself that it is okay to be doing it at my own pace because it is getting done and I am taking the necessary time needed for me and each lesson. Not every day goes as planned, especially with a toddler lol. Another example would be going out for ice cream with friends the other night and enjoying every last bite without feeling guilty even though I definitly should not be eating ice cream.

Since practicing immediate self forgiveness I have noticed less stress, less worrying about what others may think and overall more of a calm feeling. I am more at peace with my decisions and I am enjoying the little things a bit more. It is these little miracles that keep me motivated to continue on this journey.

What I have been struggling with while working through the last couple of weeks is forgiveness of events or actions of the past. Both forgiving myself and forgiving others for these things is proving to be difficult. TOO MUCH LIVING IN THE PAST! I got stuck on Day 5 of “May Cause Miracles” for a long time as I didn’t know what to write in the letter to myself. I didn’t know how to put into words what I wanted to forgive myself for. It’s hard to put your raw, unfiltered feelings out there as it is not something we do everyday, or ever for some people. Even though I knew no one would read it, I felt embarrassed. Embarrassed for things that happened 5, 10, even 20 years ago!! Once I finally sat down to write the letter, I had more to write than expected and it was a very freeing experience. I would highly recommend trying it if you need a fresh start.

From this exercise I learnt or at least confirmed the following about myself:

I am WAY too hard on myself for decisions I have made in the past. I now am working on forgiving myself and being thankful for these lessons as I would not be where I am today without having made these decisions.
I am creating unnecessary stress in my current life by worrying about what others think or about how others feel about me.
I am truly lucky to be where I am today because I have a great life 🙂
It is way too easy to get stuck in the past or worry about the future. My biggest lesson so far from May Cause Miracles is to live for today.

Who have you forgiven lately? Or do you have any tools that you find help you let go of the past?

Lots of LOVE,

Lyndsey
xoxo

I am forever GRATEFUL for YOU…..

I have learnt what LOVE feels like from strangers & it’s magic.
Today will be a good day xo

Over the past few weeks friends, family and strangers have been donating their time, money and LOVE so we can actively pursue alternative treatments that are not covered by health care or benefits.

We are forever grateful.

It is an indescribable feeling to have so much LOVE poured over you. Standing in a room like I was on June 5th, filled with people who are cheering for me inside was an experience like no other. I felt a lot of hope, joy and positivity in that room, which made me grateful to be a part of something filled with that sort of energy. Here is a short clip of the evening that was made by Tony.

A big thank you to my aunt Barb Richardson the guys at Classic Events Group for the event “Vibe in the Sky” and the Go Fund Me page that was created (PS – thanks Ryan for our UNI Chillwear, we love them!). The event was fun and classic, with a view like no other. THANK YOU! A big thank you also to all the entertainment, you guys were amazing.

I thought that along with my THANK YOU, I would give you a little overview of where the funds will go and what I am currently doing for treatments.

* IV Vitamin C, Artesunate and Mistletoe treatments (2x/week)
* B12 injections weekly
* Full Body Hyperthermia in Langly, BC (monthly to start)
* Supplements Recommended by my Integrative Oncologist in Calgary. These are based on my diagnosis, blood-work and the genetic testing that I had completed recently (the list is long, 30+ pills daily!).
* Daily Juicing (30+ ounces a day from fresh organic green veggies)
* Travel to and from appointments in Calgary, Edmonton and Langly.
* Drugs and tests not covered under benefits.
* Yoga and Meditation work

People have also donated their time & services offering me energy healing, photography, prayer groups, Reiki treatments, and fitness classes.

I am currently doing all of the above combined with a low dose oral chemotherapy and bone medicine. I have a great medical oncologist and integrative oncologist working with me. My family and I are continuing to do research on other treatments available, should I need to adjust anything in the future.

I get asked a lot about trials, travelling out of country to Mexico or Germany, and about seeking opinions from one of the big cancer clinics in the US. We have looked into all these options, so I thought I would share with you where we are at. I have a Oncologist that we have visited at the Mayo Clinic, who still consults with us over the phone when needed. She is excellent. We have met with the University of Alberta regarding clinical trials and that door is open should we need it later on. We have looked into clinics in both Mexico and Germany. At this point in time, our integrative oncologist is utilizing alternative therapies that they do a lot of in these other countries (mistletoe, hyperthermia, high does Vitamin therapy, low dose chemotherapy etc.) and we are wanting to give them a good try before looking further with these clinics.

I have been in awe since the beginning of this journey on the generosity of people. We have received meals, groceries, flowers, money, cards, hugs, prayers and visits from family, old friends, new friends and even strangers. I often look at my stack of cards (yes I have kept every last one) and think about how lucky I am to have the support of so many. How lucky my family is and how truly blessed we all are to have such a strong, thoughtful and loving support group.

Again, I can’t thank you all enough for your support, generosity and LOVE over the past year, month, week or day. I get surprised by something daily and am forever grateful to all of you who bring that extra joy into our lives on a regular basis.

We LOVE you.

xoxo
Lyndsey

ROAD Trip 2015…..

May 24th 2015.
9:00am: Kat, Lyndsey, Miss A. and Sawyer set out on a 1,170km drive from Red Deer, Alberta to Salt Spring Island, British Columbia.

If you would have told me 5, 10 or 15 years ago that Katherine and I would be doing a 3 day road trip with 2 kids, no candy, a playlist full of sing-along songs and a car full of green juice & healthy snacks……

I would have laughed and called you crazy.

But, not only did we do it, we had a blast! With one epic attack by a bird, a minor car issue and ONLY one major meltdown, we made it to Salt Spring and back to Alberta all in one piece.

A BIG thank you goes out to my favourite Katherine and Miss. A. for inviting Sawyer and I along on your road trip to your new home. We could not have come without your help! Thank you for keeping us laughing everyday, feeding us all the time and for putting up with a lot of “NO WAYS” from Sawyer.

Your new home is amazing and your new island is full of exciting new memories. We look forward to many trips out to visit you and although we are so sad to see you go, we look forward to the many adventures we are going to have with you when we see you again (and again….and again…..and again)!

I will lets the photos and video do most the talking today.

Today I am grateful for everything in this video:

I hope everyone is having a great week! You will be hearing lots from me over the next week or two, so stay tuned 🙂

xoxo
Lyndsey Watt

Sawyer & Me: Our Gardening project

I am VERY excited for warmer weather and days spent outside. Being outside is so refreshing, calming and healing. Think fresh air, vitamin D, calm minds and GROWING YOUR OWN FOOD!

Last summer my husband, dad and brother in law built me three raised garden boxes using untreated 4×4’s. This has been way easier for me than having one large garden which I had for the years prior. I am finding it easier to plant, I have better soil and it is easier to manage. Here are some before and after pictures from last year:

Last year Sawyer was young enough that he had no interest in my garden. I didn’t have to worry about my plants and his little toddler hands. This year…….it’s a different story.

How do I keep my veggies in the ground?
How do I keep him from stomping in my garden?
How do I keep my plants from drowning ?
Will I get 5 minutes of peace in my garden?

Here is my solution:

Sawyers very own garden! Complete with a mud pie table, water buckets, shovels, trucks, rocks and more. We even planted him some carrots, a strawberry bush, some succulents and some grass.

I am super excited to watch him explore, dig and get messy this summer. And as an added benefit he will learn a little bit about where his food actually comes from!

Oh and yes, I also hope this keeps his little hands out of my boxes. Wish me luck!!

Here is a list of what I am growing this year:

Red and Yellow Potatoes
Yellow Onions
Green Beans (Purple ones too)
Golden Beets
Carrots
Orange Peppers
Strawberries
Roma Tomatoes
Mint
Basil

What’s in your garden this year? Or if you don’t have one, what would you love to grow?

xoxo
Lyndsey

May Cause Miracles: Week #1

I’m the one who said there were no rules right?

Well my friends, I spent 7 days on Day #1!!! Apparently witnessing my fears was harder than expected.

First off let’s focus on what I LOVED about my first week.

The process of trying to figure out my fears and witness my thoughts, feelings and reactions made me really have to dig deep. I had to think about WHY I was feeling or thinking a certain way and I had to look at what my reactions were to different situations. It was an eye opener for me to realize how out of touch I can be with myself on any given day.

The affirmation:

I am willing to witness my fear.

I found this super powerful. Every time I read it or said it to myself, I felt like I was recommitting to ME. I am still using this affirmation on a daily basis as I find it super empowering. Putting alarms in your phone is a GREAT idea! And it works!

Now let’s talk about what I STRUGGLED with during my first week.

Paying close attention to my thoughts and reactions throughout the day and taking note of them. I found it difficult to focus on this task for the whole day. I kept struggling to remember certain things about my day or how I was feeling. One of my normal struggles is finishing what I start. I am great at starting a project, but not so great at finishing it. Actually the more I think about it, maybe there is an underlying fear here that I am ignoring 🙂

Being honest with myself about where certain feelings were coming from. Digging deeper can bring things up that have been buried for a really long time and been buried for a reason.

Prioritizing time for ME. I think this is a major problem for a lot of people. I know for myself, I want to make sure everything and everyone is taken care of before me. Sometimes when that is over, I want to sit and stare at nothing for a few minutes. Although this sitting and staring at nothing time could be used for meditation, journaling etc. It would be better to do these activities without being mentally and physically exhausted.

So in response to my lack of focus this week I have given myself ONE rule:

For the next few weeks I MUST schedule TWO sessions of ME TIME into my week. This will allow me to stay on a lesson for more than one day if needed and it will give me an achievable goal to work towards. I am hoping that I end up doing much more than twice a week as I get more focused and less frazzled but this is an attainable goal to start with.

There will always be a million things on the go and even more so right now. Between spending time with my family and friends, doctors appointments, juicing, researching different treatment options and taking a closer look at myself spiritually and emotionally, I tend to over commit myself. So now I am planning a super fun road trip to Salt Spring Island with my son, my best friend and her daughter. We leave Sunday!! I am going to relax, take life in and enjoy every moment of it while continuing my May Cause Miracles journey!

Stay tuned for a look into our Road Trip when we return!!

Here is a quick look at the upcoming blog posts you can expect:

Sawyer & Moms Garden Project.
Sneak Peek of our 2015 Road Trip.
May Cause Miracles: Week #2 Update.
Fundraising Information and where the funds are going.
My Treatment Plan.

If you are starting your Course of Miracles journey with me I would love to hear from you about your first week! How did it go? Any successes, struggles, things you loved?

xoxo
Lyndsey

Health Update

Hello friends.

I wanted to give everyone an update on what has been happening in our world over the last couple of weeks.

As I said in my story here, I have been playing the waiting game since finishing radiation in February. My follow up scans were to happen May 5th and I was to meet with my new oncologist today (May 12th, 2015) for the results. However, as we have learnt quite well over the past year… sometimes things don’t always work out the way they are planned.

In April I was having a lot of back pain that was not getting any better from massage, physio, stretching etc. So at the end of the month I went to the doctor to get it checked out. Due to my medical history they sent me for an x-ray and then a bone scan to see what was happening. After a lot of rushed tests, scans and doctors appointments we have discovered that the cancer has spread to my bones, lungs and liver. This has come as a complete shock to my family and I because we were feeling so optimistic about my health. Other than the pain I am in, I am feeling better than I have in a year.

We have been taking the necessary time to cry, grieve and be angry over the last couple of weeks and we are now looking over ALL of our treatment options. Although Western medicine today has no curative treatment plans for this stage of cancer, we are looking at doing complementary therapies combined with some Western medicine, while praying for a miracle.

I am feeling stronger than ever today and ready to tackle this next portion of my journey head on. A big portion of the healing that needs to happen over the next while is emotional and spiritual. Both of which I have been prepping myself for and feel ready to face head on.

I truly believe that our bodies have the ability to heal themselves far beyond what a medicine can do. There are a tonne of natural treatments, integrative therapies and testimonials out there from people who have experienced a radical remission from cancer. These are the people and the stories that my family and I are focusing on right now. If any of you are interested in reading about some of these, check out Dr. Kelly Turners website. She also has a book called Radical Remissions where she documents what she has learnt while studying hundreds of different cases.

I have a great team of professionals behind me, a huge support system and a family who is supporting whatever decision that I make right now.

I have chosen to focus on the small percentage of people who beat the odds and focus on living a life full of LOVE, laughter, joy and peace instead of a life filled with fear.

We all are born onto this earth the same way and we will all have to leave it one day. Some people sooner than others. It is not about how much time we get to spend here but what we do with the time we are given that counts. Quality verses quantity right?

Now this is not to say that any of this has been, or will be easy on me or my family and friends. We will have really good days and some really hard ones. We just need to remember to choose to live a miraculous life and choose a life filled with LOVE and joy every day.

I will be continuing on with my blog and documenting my journey on learning to LOVE again. I will also use it to share updates on how I am doing throughout these next stages of treatment, both for those of you who I may not talk to on a regular basis and those who are following from afar.

I want to thank each and every one of you for your love and support not only in the last few weeks but over the last year. May 8th was my one year “cancerversary” as Kris Carr calls it 🙂 and I could not have gotten through it without the love and support from you and your families. We appreciate everything from everyone.

Lots of LOVE,

Lyndsey

JOIN ME in my #May Cause Miracles journey…..

If you have not read or listened to any of Gabrielle Bernstein’s books or lectures, I highly recommend that you do. She has a way of getting into your head, your heart and your soul like no one else I have found. I use many of her tools in my day-to-day activities, both to release stress and change my thought patterns. Some days go smoother than others, but I can truly feel the difference in my attitude and outlook on life when I am mindful of my thoughts.

This weekend I am starting one of her books called May Cause Miracles (you can purchase yours here or I have seen it at most local book stores). It is a guide meant to help you release your fears, change the way you think and create more happiness in your life. The book is broken down into six chapters with one lesson or exercise per day over 6 weeks.

“A miracle is a shift in perspective from fear to love”.
Gabrielle Bernstein

I encourage you to pick up a copy and join me!! No structure, no pressure to stay on the same week as me or anyone else. Just knowing that you have a group of people to listen to, chat with or share experiences with will be a motivator in itself.

I will be posting one blog entry per week strictly based on the lessons or my experience while working through the book. I encourage those that are working along or that can resonate with the lessons to share their experiences too! We have so much to learn from one another!

Just to motivate you a little bit more, here is a brief snapshot into my highlights after reading only the INTRODUCTION of the book.

Talk about powerful stuff!

I look forward to having you join me. Lets bring more LOVE into our lives and have a little less fear and negativity in our days.

Lots of LOVE,

Lyndsey