The one who made me whole

I guess it’s been a year….a year without the one I planned to grow old with; a year without the one I wanted to create so many more memories with; a year since I’ve kissed those lips and felt the touch of her hand; a year since I called my house a home; a year since I was excited to get home; a year since my heart was whole; a year without my best friend; a year since our playful flirting while we brushed our teeth; a year without that giggle in my life; a year since I was truly comforted; a year without the one who I always knew as long as we had each other, everything would be okay.

I would do anything to hit rewind, or even fast forward right now.  This year of play, feels more like pause.  Im thankful for everyone in my life, each one of you have gone that extra mile for me in some way, at some time.  I often find myself daydreaming the what if…what if Lyndsey never got sick.  Where would we be today.  How great life would have been…how happy.  It’s crazy the little things you miss, all our inside jokes…nobody to understand or share them with.  They’re  now times I find enjoyment, they are only temporary and fade quickly.  I know they’ll come more often and last longer. However, at times I don’t want them to.  It’s a weird battle and seems wrong to be happy sometimes. I know it sounds silly and is difficult to explain.  I just miss her.

The loneliness has only mildly faded.  It seems weird, even kind of wrong to think about…now it has become a scare of mine, seems so rare to find what we had.  Is it possible to come along a second time…the journey is long.  However, it did ease my mind a little when I picked a quote from a basket at the end of a recent counselling session.  It said, “when you send out real love, real love will return to you.”  It really made me think, I have a long road of healing yet to come…I believe it was a message from her, Lyndsey is watching over.  She has this way of connecting or reconnecting me with the right people when I need it the most.  Lyndsey connected me to this song days after the quote:

Lyndsey – You have sure touched many lives in your short time.  You are in the heart and on the minds of so many on a daily basis.  So many people looked, and continue to look up to you.  An exemplary model.  You found the perfect balance which is difficult to explain, a type of driven kindness.  Something people work their entire lives to achieve, and never do.  I think it stemmed from your love of life.  Ever since I first met you, you managed to make every part of my life that much better.  And everyone else’s that you were in.  I’ve shed a lifetime of tears and experienced the heart ache only the unfortunate few will understand.  I would trade positions in a heartbeat.  There are still days I feel completely lost without you, a feeling of fog from within.  It’s only by habit I put one foot in front of the other…still exhausted.

You sure passed on a beautiful soul to our son.  Sawyer caught me grieving the other day….he asked if I wanted to come watch Paw Patrol with him, that it will make me happy.  I did.  His cuddles were exactly what I needed.  He’s such an amazing, gentle and caring person.  I feel so incredibly bad he has to go through this.  Grow up with only stories of you.  It’s difficult to put into words how incredible you were.  You were a natural mother and couldn’t get enough of him.  His road is also long.  He’s got the most amazing heart and I truly believe you shaped it.  He occasionally draws you a picture now and then.  He holds it up for mommy to see.  I sure hope you can.  It’s so hard to watch, but beautiful at the same time.  He’s got the same calming presence as you.  And a smart little cookie.  I want to talk to you so bad.  We miss you so so much.  I love you xoxo

Much love, Chad



4 thoughts on “The one who made me whole”

  1. She was one of a kind chad!!
    The song is beautiful and meaningful
    Your words are real, don’t ever feel guilty fur ferling happibess sonetimes! Lyndsey would want her boys to be happy
    It was a huge loss I still miss her too!
    She had that way about her,
    Hugs to you and Sawyer, always in my thoughts

  2. As I read this tears stream down my face. I know the pain of losing the love of your life, 15 months ago my precious husband passed from cancer at the age of 46. We had been high school sweet hearts and knew we would be together forever. Two beautiful children 15 & 12 and life time of memories we created. Days come and go now; lots are happy and busy as we still keep living life but other days my grief hits me like a wave and I want to crumble. The touch of his hand, seeing him work away in the yard and turning to smile….telling me I look pretty, not seeing him in the stands as my kids make special teams and excel at their sport. The what “ifs” you mention are strong some days and my mind takes me past the cancer and into a life free from it. All of this still feels like a dream and impossible that life could take such a sharp turn! I pray the pain of not having our loved ones will fade but their memories remain strong and clear forever? Thinking of you and Sawyer

    1. I’m so sorry to hear that Sheri…it’s not fair and I will never understand. It’s so painful and even worse knowing they are missing out in the joys of watching their children grow. Thinking of you and your kids. Take care ?

  3. Chad, I am unsure if you or I ever met but I worked here at Servus with Lyndsey for a number of years before she became sick. I was her support for the mutual fund sales part of her branch role. She certainly was a special person; she was always so positive, loved to learn, to absorb knowledge and she always wanted to do what was right. Your writing is beautiful and thoughtful, and while it comes from a place of grieving, your perspective is wise beyond your years. Just know that continuing Lyndsey’s blog like this is part of the healing process. Putting pen to paper (or hands to keyboard) is a great way to partially unload the web of feelings you are having and to reach out to others who care about you both. You appear comfortable asking for help and using your many friends and family for support, and that is so key as you move through this. Now is the time to live in the memories you have together and know she is still with you as you and Sawyer continue to make new ones. Take care!

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