Learning to LOVE

I guess it’s been a year….a year without the one I planned to grow old with; a year without the one I wanted to create so many more memories with; a year since I’ve kissed those lips and felt the touch of her hand; a year since I called my house a home; a year since I was excited to get home; a year since my heart was whole; a year without my best friend; a year since our playful flirting while we brushed our teeth; a year without that giggle in my life; a year since I was truly comforted; a year without the one who I always knew as long as we had each other, everything would be okay.

I would do anything to hit rewind, or even fast forward right now.  This year of play, feels more like pause.  Im thankful for everyone in my life, each one of you have gone that extra mile for me in some way, at some time.  I often find myself daydreaming the what if…what if Lyndsey never got sick.  Where would we be today.  How great life would have been…how happy.  It’s crazy the little things you miss, all our inside jokes…nobody to understand or share them with.  They’re  now times I find enjoyment, they are only temporary and fade quickly.  I know they’ll come more often and last longer. However, at times I don’t want them to.  It’s a weird battle and seems wrong to be happy sometimes. I know it sounds silly and is difficult to explain.  I just miss her.

The loneliness has only mildly faded.  It seems weird, even kind of wrong to think about…now it has become a scare of mine, seems so rare to find what we had.  Is it possible to come along a second time…the journey is long.  However, it did ease my mind a little when I picked a quote from a basket at the end of a recent counselling session.  It said, “when you send out real love, real love will return to you.”  It really made me think, I have a long road of healing yet to come…I believe it was a message from her, Lyndsey is watching over.  She has this way of connecting or reconnecting me with the right people when I need it the most.  Lyndsey connected me to this song days after the quote:

Lyndsey – You have sure touched many lives in your short time.  You are in the heart and on the minds of so many on a daily basis.  So many people looked, and continue to look up to you.  An exemplary model.  You found the perfect balance which is difficult to explain, a type of driven kindness.  Something people work their entire lives to achieve, and never do.  I think it stemmed from your love of life.  Ever since I first met you, you managed to make every part of my life that much better.  And everyone else’s that you were in.  I’ve shed a lifetime of tears and experienced the heart ache only the unfortunate few will understand.  I would trade positions in a heartbeat.  There are still days I feel completely lost without you, a feeling of fog from within.  It’s only by habit I put one foot in front of the other…still exhausted.

You sure passed on a beautiful soul to our son.  Sawyer caught me grieving the other day….he asked if I wanted to come watch Paw Patrol with him, that it will make me happy.  I did.  His cuddles were exactly what I needed.  He’s such an amazing, gentle and caring person.  I feel so incredibly bad he has to go through this.  Grow up with only stories of you.  It’s difficult to put into words how incredible you were.  You were a natural mother and couldn’t get enough of him.  His road is also long.  He’s got the most amazing heart and I truly believe you shaped it.  He occasionally draws you a picture now and then.  He holds it up for mommy to see.  I sure hope you can.  It’s so hard to watch, but beautiful at the same time.  He’s got the same calming presence as you.  And a smart little cookie.  I want to talk to you so bad.  We miss you so so much.  I love you xoxo

Much love, Chad

No idea what I’m doing, but neither did Lyndsey. A friend of hers told me she wanted me to keep her blog going. I had super mixed feelings. I’m not the greatest at sharing mine and felt like it was a lot of pressure. I always thought I should do some kind of final blog post to honor her, but to continue it? Then, last night a friend of mine told me I should write a blog post. For some reason it stuck. I got up this morning and just started writing. If its what Lyndsey wanted, then here I am. From the cuff.

I’ve recently found out what it’s like to hit rock bottom, alone. I’ve never felt so lonely in my entire life. I’m off all medication now, I don’t think it was for me. Plus it’s normal to grieve, wouldn’t be if I didn’t. I’ve been speaking with a counselor and I think it helps, a lot. I’ve used distractions to not let myself go into this dark place they call grief. But the counselor says I need to go there in order to pick myself up again and not drag it on forever. So I’m trying to dedicate specific times for Lyndsey. I’m trying to write to her, it’s just hard to see the paper sometimes…

I have learnt a lot over the past few months. Maybe some of my feelings are similar to the way Lyndsey was feeling when we knew the reality, but continued to pray for a miracle. Which makes sense, she started a blog “learning to love”. It is exactly what I’m now trying to do. Not doing very well, but I’m trying. The fun in life is completely gone. I try hard to distract myself, with my amazing friends. I legit call any of them up and they are here for as long as I need. Had too many late nights with good friends that had to work the next day. Means more to me than you know. I’ve got my Sawyer, that seems to be the only thing that puts a true smile on my face. But I’m tired, and struggle raising him alone. My family has been amazing in that department, not sure what I would do without them. I am completely exhausted, no matter how much I sleep. I miss my energy, I have none.

It feels super awkward sharing and just talking about myself. But if you take anything away from this at all, please don’t take your partner for granted. It’s coming from someone that had the one, and lost it. It’s not like I can even be angry because of something or a reason for things falling apart. They never would have, we had that true love. In it until the end. We get caught up in the stresses of everyday life. We spend the majority of our time working, getting ahead. Don’t get me wrong, I know it is part of life. I enjoy the finer things in life like all the rest and will continue to do so. But, it’s not the most important part. The person you choose to spend the rest of your life with is. Lyndsey and I had something really special. We told each other all the time how much we loved each other. I never questioned that. But now that she’s gone, it still doesn’t feel like I said it enough, or showed her enough. She was incredible. Show your loved ones. Put away that pride or whatever it is that prevents you from fully opening up. When they’re gone, they’re gone. She would have sold everything and moved to an island with me. As long as we were together, things were good. She sent me this once.

A boat was docked in a tiny Mexican fishing village. A tourist complimented the local fishermen on the quality of their fish and asked how long it took to catch them.

"Not very long" they answered in unison.

"Why didn't you stay out longer and catch more?"

The fishermen explained that their small catches were sufficient to meet their needs and those of their families.

"But what do you do with the rest of your time?"

"We sleep late, fish a little, play with our children, and take siestas with our wives. In the evenings, we go into the village to see our friends, have a few drinks, play the guitar, and sing a few songs. We have a full life."

The tourist interrupted, "I have an MBA from Harvard and I can help you! You should start by fishing longer every day. You can then sell the extra fish you catch. With the extra revenue, you can buy a bigger boat."

"And after that?"

"With the extra money the larger boat will bring, you can buy a second one and a third one and so on until you have an entire fleet of trawlers. Instead of selling your fish to a middle man, you can then negotiate directly with the processing plants and maybe even open your own plant. You can then leave this little village and move to Mexico City, Los Angeles, or even New York City!!! From there you can direct your huge new enterprise."

"How long would that take?"

"Twenty, perhaps twenty-five years." replied the tourist.

"And after that?"

"Afterwards? Well my friend, that's when it gets really interesting," answered the tourist, laughing. "When your business gets really big, you can start buying and selling stocks and make millions!"

"Millions? Really? And after that?" asked the fishermen.

"After that you'll be able to retire, live in a tiny village near the coast, sleep late, play with your children, catch a few fish, take a siesta with your wife and spend your evenings drinking and enjoying your friends."

"With all due respect sir, but that's exactly what we are doing now. So what's the point wasting twenty-five years?" asked the Mexicans.

And the moral of this story is:

Know where you're going in life, you may already be there! Many times in life, money is not everything.

“Live your life before life becomes lifeless”

Lately I’ve been battling with the saying it will be worth it in the end. I don’t feel like Lyndsey had an end. I always thought that meant when you grow old. Life was not fair to her, especially someone as amazing as her. It was way too soon. I can honestly say she had no faults. I still find random things at times that I feel was left for me. I even found a note she wrote for me, things she wanted me to know when she was gone. God that’s hard to say. That note means so much to me. I have no idea what I believe in, and going through all this didn’t help. But, there has been multiple signs that continue. Some seem to be too big of a coincidence. Some are jaw dropping and give people goose bumps when I share. Who knows. I was going through photos on the iPad the other day and found this screenshot she took. I feel like she did these things for me, knowing.

I miss and love her so much, my heart physically hurts.  I don’t know how often I will do this, or if it’s even worth it.  Im just figuring out how this site works today, but found a draft post in here called “letter to my friends”.  I will post it in the days to come, because obviously it was meant for all of you.

Much love, Chad