this is me – Learning to LOVE

May Cause Miracles Update #2

Learning to FORGIVE…..if you are new to my blog check out the May Cause Miracles project here.

I have been having some energy treatments and Reiki done recently and both my throat chakra and my heart centre chakra have been cold. I am told that this means the energy is not flowing through these chakras easily and there may be some blocks to break through in order to get the energy moving. It has sparked some pretty in depth conversations about the healing powers of energy work and how it could benefit my physical health by dealing with issues of forgiveness. This tied right into what I was currently working on in “May Cause Miracles“.

I have read a lot about radical remissions, where the survivor attributes their healing to different energy work and I am currently reading about the John of God who has healed many people through different spiritual practices. This is a part of this journey that intrigues me and there is a lot to learn. The importance of the mind-body connection becomes more and more apparent daily and the miracles that are occurring because I am paying attention to myself make it an exciting learning experience.

Miracles are natural. When they do not occur, something has gone wrong.
Gabrielle Bernstein talking about "A Course in Miracles" in her "May Cause Miracles" book.

Over the past few months I have been really focusing on positive self talk and immediate forgiveness of myself for small setbacks or actions that are not in line with my current mindset. I was given an exercise by my councillor to actively pay attention to my thoughts and if I was thinking something about myself that I would not say out loud to my best friend, then I needed to stop. The mind is so powerful that your thoughts can be detrimental to your health. Some recent examples of this would be: In the past I would have gotten really stressed out and maybe even quit this project because I am not on track with Gabrielle Bernstein in her book May Cause Miracles. Heck, I should be almost done! Instead, I am telling myself that it is okay to be doing it at my own pace because it is getting done and I am taking the necessary time needed for me and each lesson. Not every day goes as planned, especially with a toddler lol. Another example would be going out for ice cream with friends the other night and enjoying every last bite without feeling guilty even though I definitly should not be eating ice cream.

Since practicing immediate self forgiveness I have noticed less stress, less worrying about what others may think and overall more of a calm feeling. I am more at peace with my decisions and I am enjoying the little things a bit more. It is these little miracles that keep me motivated to continue on this journey.

What I have been struggling with while working through the last couple of weeks is forgiveness of events or actions of the past. Both forgiving myself and forgiving others for these things is proving to be difficult. TOO MUCH LIVING IN THE PAST! I got stuck on Day 5 of “May Cause Miracles” for a long time as I didn’t know what to write in the letter to myself. I didn’t know how to put into words what I wanted to forgive myself for. It’s hard to put your raw, unfiltered feelings out there as it is not something we do everyday, or ever for some people. Even though I knew no one would read it, I felt embarrassed. Embarrassed for things that happened 5, 10, even 20 years ago!! Once I finally sat down to write the letter, I had more to write than expected and it was a very freeing experience. I would highly recommend trying it if you need a fresh start.

From this exercise I learnt or at least confirmed the following about myself:

I am WAY too hard on myself for decisions I have made in the past. I now am working on forgiving myself and being thankful for these lessons as I would not be where I am today without having made these decisions.
I am creating unnecessary stress in my current life by worrying about what others think or about how others feel about me.
I am truly lucky to be where I am today because I have a great life 🙂
It is way too easy to get stuck in the past or worry about the future. My biggest lesson so far from May Cause Miracles is to live for today.

Who have you forgiven lately? Or do you have any tools that you find help you let go of the past?

Lots of LOVE,

Lyndsey
xoxo

I am forever GRATEFUL for YOU…..

I have learnt what LOVE feels like from strangers & it’s magic.
Today will be a good day xo

Over the past few weeks friends, family and strangers have been donating their time, money and LOVE so we can actively pursue alternative treatments that are not covered by health care or benefits.

We are forever grateful.

It is an indescribable feeling to have so much LOVE poured over you. Standing in a room like I was on June 5th, filled with people who are cheering for me inside was an experience like no other. I felt a lot of hope, joy and positivity in that room, which made me grateful to be a part of something filled with that sort of energy. Here is a short clip of the evening that was made by Tony.

A big thank you to my aunt Barb Richardson the guys at Classic Events Group for the event “Vibe in the Sky” and the Go Fund Me page that was created (PS – thanks Ryan for our UNI Chillwear, we love them!). The event was fun and classic, with a view like no other. THANK YOU! A big thank you also to all the entertainment, you guys were amazing.

I thought that along with my THANK YOU, I would give you a little overview of where the funds will go and what I am currently doing for treatments.

* IV Vitamin C, Artesunate and Mistletoe treatments (2x/week)
* B12 injections weekly
* Full Body Hyperthermia in Langly, BC (monthly to start)
* Supplements Recommended by my Integrative Oncologist in Calgary. These are based on my diagnosis, blood-work and the genetic testing that I had completed recently (the list is long, 30+ pills daily!).
* Daily Juicing (30+ ounces a day from fresh organic green veggies)
* Travel to and from appointments in Calgary, Edmonton and Langly.
* Drugs and tests not covered under benefits.
* Yoga and Meditation work

People have also donated their time & services offering me energy healing, photography, prayer groups, Reiki treatments, and fitness classes.

I am currently doing all of the above combined with a low dose oral chemotherapy and bone medicine. I have a great medical oncologist and integrative oncologist working with me. My family and I are continuing to do research on other treatments available, should I need to adjust anything in the future.

I get asked a lot about trials, travelling out of country to Mexico or Germany, and about seeking opinions from one of the big cancer clinics in the US. We have looked into all these options, so I thought I would share with you where we are at. I have a Oncologist that we have visited at the Mayo Clinic, who still consults with us over the phone when needed. She is excellent. We have met with the University of Alberta regarding clinical trials and that door is open should we need it later on. We have looked into clinics in both Mexico and Germany. At this point in time, our integrative oncologist is utilizing alternative therapies that they do a lot of in these other countries (mistletoe, hyperthermia, high does Vitamin therapy, low dose chemotherapy etc.) and we are wanting to give them a good try before looking further with these clinics.

I have been in awe since the beginning of this journey on the generosity of people. We have received meals, groceries, flowers, money, cards, hugs, prayers and visits from family, old friends, new friends and even strangers. I often look at my stack of cards (yes I have kept every last one) and think about how lucky I am to have the support of so many. How lucky my family is and how truly blessed we all are to have such a strong, thoughtful and loving support group.

Again, I can’t thank you all enough for your support, generosity and LOVE over the past year, month, week or day. I get surprised by something daily and am forever grateful to all of you who bring that extra joy into our lives on a regular basis.

We LOVE you.

xoxo
Lyndsey

Learning to feel…..

I decided today that we need to take lessons from our children. If you don’t have children take lessons from your friends kids, watch the kids at the park, or trust me.

My son Sawyer feels every emotion. You can see it in his eyes. He does not care what other people think, he is not embarrassed, nor does he hide anything. I always know if he is happy, angry, sad or content. He wears his heart on his sleeve (Just look at his face above……you know exactly how he is feeling).

I admire him. I admire that children have yet to learn to bottle their emotions or to turn them off. They feel everything. I also believe they see everything, they see right through us. Children pick up on our every move, they feel our pain and celebrate our joy. There is nothing better than when they look at you, its like they look right into your soul.

So let’s ask ourselves: Are you truly experiencing each moment? Do you ever just move on, or run away from a situation without really focusing on what you were meant to take away from it?

I sure have. I feel like in this crazy busy world we all do this far too often and most of the time we don’t even notice. I don’t want to do this anymore and I would like to start experiencing every moment for what it is. This week has pushed me to truly feel. To be present in the moment and to experience whatever emotion comes up.

Sadness, fear, love, hurt, joy, anger…..

They all come up at different times for us and lately for me I experience them all in a day, or if I am being completely honest even an hour.

Throughout this past year I have realized that it is all too easy for me to just “be okay” no matter what. Whether I am jumping with joy on the inside or running for my life in fear, it is so easy to just “be okay”. Who am I kidding though? Surely not myself and I guarantee my loved ones see right through it (even if they pretend not to). So why not be honest about our feelings? Life should be about experiencing each and every moment. The good ones, the bad ones and all the ones in-between.

My goal for this weekend is to live in the moment. To laugh when I think something is funny (no matter what), to cry if I feel sad or scared and to be angry if something makes me feel this way. I am going to PLAY HARD with my little man. I am going to focus on experiencing every minute with my family and friends. I am going to ask questions and listen closely to the answers. I am going to let myself be a little bit more vulnerable and really try to experience life like my son does.

To start, I am going to begin each day with a short meditation (there I put it in writing so I can’t skip it!) where I will ask for the strength to experience the day. The strength to experience joy, LOVE and anything else this weekend has in store for me.

I hope each and every one of you has an amazing, safe and REAL weekend.

*artist unknown

Lots of LOVE,

Lyndsey

My Story…..

First off I would like to say thank you so much for reading/following my new blog!! The scariest part of starting this blog for me was wondering if I truly had anything to say. Anything that would interest people enough to take time out of their busy week to read. So thank you for the emails, the comments (IF ANY) and for the encouragement.

Here is my story (or some of it anyhow). I am just going to cover what has led me to today. What has led me to starting this blog, to want to re-discover life and want to learn to love everything and everyone in it.

I am 30 years old, live in Red Deer, Alberta and have 2 very important men in my life. My husband Chad and my son Sawyer are my whole world. My goal is to make them smile, each and every day.

A year ago I was a very tired first time mom, struggling yet enjoying my time with Sawyer. Sawyer was such a good little baby but he sure hated to sleep. He never wanted to miss a thing. I was planning on going back to work but decided to extend my maternity leave so that I could spend the summer with my little man instead of inside my office. Little did I know that my summer would not go as planned.

Fast forward a month and I was diagnosed with an aggressive form of Triple Negative Breast Cancer that had moved from the breast into the lymph nodes. I can’t describe the feelings that came next. I am not sure I have really let myself go there since it all happened. At this point, it is easier letting it be a blur. I do know I will have to address this to completely heal from it, and I will, but all in due time.

I knew nothing about breast cancer. In hopes of a complete pathological response doctors wanted to start aggressive TAC chemotherapy as soon as possible to try and kill the cancer before surgery to make the surgery less invasive. My first initial thought was no way. Get this cancer out of me NOW. In my mind it needed to be removed. After a few different people looked at it, and I had a short amount of time to digest it with my family, the consensus was to do chemotherapy first.

I am not going to focus on the details of everything that happened over the last year. Maybe I will post on it later if the topics come up or if people are interested in learning some of what I experienced. For today I will summarize:

6 Rounds of TAC chemotherapy. The doctors stopped at 6 as it felt like the cancer was shrinking and responding favourably.

Double Masectomy with immediate reconstruction. The pathology came back as a surprise to us all. The cancer was still everywhere and 13 out of 14 lymph nodes were infected also. The chemotherapy was not successful. And worst yet…..they were fairly confident there was still cancer left.

Second Surgery to get clear margins on the breast.

Travel to Mayo Clinic in Arizona for another opinion. They completely agreed with the treatment here and said they would have recommended the same. The only thing different was they were able to give me some additional information on a couple alternative treatments that may be gaining some…………

PET scan shows that there is still cancer in the lymph nodes under my arm and now also in my chest wall.

30 Rounds of radiation treatment.

12 Rounds of Hyperthermia treatments with IV Curcumin Therapy. *I have been seeing a Natropath that focuses in Oncology in Calgary, AB through this whole process also.

2 weeks of much deserved family time in Mexico…..

And here we are! I am currently waiting for my next scan to see what the story is and if the radiation was successful. Today I am just doing whatever I can to stay healthy, strong and happy. I am learning to be me again, learning what this new life looks like and learning how to LOVE.

xoxo Lyndsey

Hello world!

Gabrielle Bernstein (you will learn quickly that I love, love, love her) talks about the Five Sutras of the Aquarian Age in a lot of her lectures. One of these sutras is perfect for what I am experiencing today:

“When the time is on you….START! and the pressure will be off”.

I have been meaning to start this blog for months. I keep thinking of ideas, writing notes and then closing the book for a few weeks.

There will always be reasons to put something off. There will always be a to do list, a fear or a feeling of not enough time. Today I am choosing to make time for this. To make time for me and to make time to heal.

My name is Lyndsey Watt. I am excited, scared and everything in between to be starting this blog. I look forward to sharing my story with you and I can’t wait to hear about yours. For those of you who already know me on a personal level, you know that I don’t share my feelings very often. I tend to keep to myself, I am fairly reserved and I like to observe what is happening around me rather than be in the spotlight. Today I want to challenge myself to be better. I want to challenge myself to find my voice and to learn more about myself. I want to start some new conversations with friends both old and new so that together we can grow, heal and learn.

So, as of today, I welcome you friends. Old, new, near and far. Welcome to Learning to LOVE. I encourage you to introduce yourself, say hello and join in on any conversation that speaks to you over the coming days, weeks and months.

I will start off over the next couple of weeks by sharing my story, some of my goals and my future plans for this blog. Until then…….

xox
Lots of love,

Lyndsey

Photo above taken by Jayme at The Paper Deer Photography