learning to…. – Learning to LOVE

Learning to…..TRUST

Hello friends. I wrote this post yesterday while driving through the Rocky Mountains. I am oh so very excited to be spending the next 10 days surrounded by the beautiful mountains, trees and family. 10 days to sit in the mountains, clear my head and hopefully get some insight on some treatment decisions that I am struggling with.

Looking outside the window, I am amazed at the ability of Mother Nature. I remember when these fires happened along Highway 93. I was younger and my parents would take my brother, sister and I to Panorama on our annual summer holiday. I have always thought the drive through this area was breathtaking and the trip out after the fires was no different. Still breathtaking, our first drive through was a bit more dark and dreary. With burnt mountainsides and no trees as far as you could see, you couldn’t help but feel sad and maybe a bit angry.

Today as I am driving, I see hope. I see small trees, shrubs and flowers peeking through the ground brush that has grown up over the years. The forest is repairing the damage caused by these fires and starting over. Just like I am.

The last 6 weeks or so has been hard. Hard physically, mentally and emotionally. Living for today has been difficult as I was not happy with today. I have been feeling angry, alone and so sick and tired of feeling sick and tired all the time. I was starting to not trust the process or my body to help me through this difficult journey. NOT TODAY!

As I said before, NOT TODAY! Today I feel hopeful. Hopeful that healing, rebuilding and repairing my body is possible. I am much smaller than these vast mountain sides. I have not been completely destroyed by this disease as they were by these fires. Mother nature is fascinating, powerful and healing. She turns tragedy into something beautiful. I will too.

I look forward to making this drive year after year with my family and teach Sawyer as my parents taught me. I look forward to seeing this beautiful mountainside all re-grown over the next 20-30 years. But most of all, I look forward to today. I trust that I will be guided to the right decision for me and my body and I trust that I will allow myself to make the right decisions for me during this transition in my treatment plan.

Lots of LOVE,

Lyndsey Watt

* I will do another full health update once we have sorted through everything and receive all the information we need to process where I am right now. For now I can share that I have stopped the oral chemotherapy that I was on and am looking into all natural and western options available to us.

May Cause Miracles Update #2

Learning to FORGIVE…..if you are new to my blog check out the May Cause Miracles project here.

I have been having some energy treatments and Reiki done recently and both my throat chakra and my heart centre chakra have been cold. I am told that this means the energy is not flowing through these chakras easily and there may be some blocks to break through in order to get the energy moving. It has sparked some pretty in depth conversations about the healing powers of energy work and how it could benefit my physical health by dealing with issues of forgiveness. This tied right into what I was currently working on in “May Cause Miracles“.

I have read a lot about radical remissions, where the survivor attributes their healing to different energy work and I am currently reading about the John of God who has healed many people through different spiritual practices. This is a part of this journey that intrigues me and there is a lot to learn. The importance of the mind-body connection becomes more and more apparent daily and the miracles that are occurring because I am paying attention to myself make it an exciting learning experience.

Miracles are natural. When they do not occur, something has gone wrong.
Gabrielle Bernstein talking about "A Course in Miracles" in her "May Cause Miracles" book.

Over the past few months I have been really focusing on positive self talk and immediate forgiveness of myself for small setbacks or actions that are not in line with my current mindset. I was given an exercise by my councillor to actively pay attention to my thoughts and if I was thinking something about myself that I would not say out loud to my best friend, then I needed to stop. The mind is so powerful that your thoughts can be detrimental to your health. Some recent examples of this would be: In the past I would have gotten really stressed out and maybe even quit this project because I am not on track with Gabrielle Bernstein in her book May Cause Miracles. Heck, I should be almost done! Instead, I am telling myself that it is okay to be doing it at my own pace because it is getting done and I am taking the necessary time needed for me and each lesson. Not every day goes as planned, especially with a toddler lol. Another example would be going out for ice cream with friends the other night and enjoying every last bite without feeling guilty even though I definitly should not be eating ice cream.

Since practicing immediate self forgiveness I have noticed less stress, less worrying about what others may think and overall more of a calm feeling. I am more at peace with my decisions and I am enjoying the little things a bit more. It is these little miracles that keep me motivated to continue on this journey.

What I have been struggling with while working through the last couple of weeks is forgiveness of events or actions of the past. Both forgiving myself and forgiving others for these things is proving to be difficult. TOO MUCH LIVING IN THE PAST! I got stuck on Day 5 of “May Cause Miracles” for a long time as I didn’t know what to write in the letter to myself. I didn’t know how to put into words what I wanted to forgive myself for. It’s hard to put your raw, unfiltered feelings out there as it is not something we do everyday, or ever for some people. Even though I knew no one would read it, I felt embarrassed. Embarrassed for things that happened 5, 10, even 20 years ago!! Once I finally sat down to write the letter, I had more to write than expected and it was a very freeing experience. I would highly recommend trying it if you need a fresh start.

From this exercise I learnt or at least confirmed the following about myself:

I am WAY too hard on myself for decisions I have made in the past. I now am working on forgiving myself and being thankful for these lessons as I would not be where I am today without having made these decisions.
I am creating unnecessary stress in my current life by worrying about what others think or about how others feel about me.
I am truly lucky to be where I am today because I have a great life 🙂
It is way too easy to get stuck in the past or worry about the future. My biggest lesson so far from May Cause Miracles is to live for today.

Who have you forgiven lately? Or do you have any tools that you find help you let go of the past?

Lots of LOVE,

Lyndsey
xoxo

Learning to feel…..

I decided today that we need to take lessons from our children. If you don’t have children take lessons from your friends kids, watch the kids at the park, or trust me.

My son Sawyer feels every emotion. You can see it in his eyes. He does not care what other people think, he is not embarrassed, nor does he hide anything. I always know if he is happy, angry, sad or content. He wears his heart on his sleeve (Just look at his face above……you know exactly how he is feeling).

I admire him. I admire that children have yet to learn to bottle their emotions or to turn them off. They feel everything. I also believe they see everything, they see right through us. Children pick up on our every move, they feel our pain and celebrate our joy. There is nothing better than when they look at you, its like they look right into your soul.

So let’s ask ourselves: Are you truly experiencing each moment? Do you ever just move on, or run away from a situation without really focusing on what you were meant to take away from it?

I sure have. I feel like in this crazy busy world we all do this far too often and most of the time we don’t even notice. I don’t want to do this anymore and I would like to start experiencing every moment for what it is. This week has pushed me to truly feel. To be present in the moment and to experience whatever emotion comes up.

Sadness, fear, love, hurt, joy, anger…..

They all come up at different times for us and lately for me I experience them all in a day, or if I am being completely honest even an hour.

Throughout this past year I have realized that it is all too easy for me to just “be okay” no matter what. Whether I am jumping with joy on the inside or running for my life in fear, it is so easy to just “be okay”. Who am I kidding though? Surely not myself and I guarantee my loved ones see right through it (even if they pretend not to). So why not be honest about our feelings? Life should be about experiencing each and every moment. The good ones, the bad ones and all the ones in-between.

My goal for this weekend is to live in the moment. To laugh when I think something is funny (no matter what), to cry if I feel sad or scared and to be angry if something makes me feel this way. I am going to PLAY HARD with my little man. I am going to focus on experiencing every minute with my family and friends. I am going to ask questions and listen closely to the answers. I am going to let myself be a little bit more vulnerable and really try to experience life like my son does.

To start, I am going to begin each day with a short meditation (there I put it in writing so I can’t skip it!) where I will ask for the strength to experience the day. The strength to experience joy, LOVE and anything else this weekend has in store for me.

I hope each and every one of you has an amazing, safe and REAL weekend.

*artist unknown

Lots of LOVE,

Lyndsey