No idea what I’m doing, but neither did Lyndsey. A friend of hers told me she wanted me to keep her blog going. I had super mixed feelings. I’m not the greatest at sharing mine and felt like it was a lot of pressure. I always thought I should do some kind of final blog post to honor her, but to continue it? Then, last night a friend of mine told me I should write a blog post. For some reason it stuck. I got up this morning and just started writing. If its what Lyndsey wanted, then here I am. From the cuff.
I’ve recently found out what it’s like to hit rock bottom, alone. I’ve never felt so lonely in my entire life. I’m off all medication now, I don’t think it was for me. Plus it’s normal to grieve, wouldn’t be if I didn’t. I’ve been speaking with a counselor and I think it helps, a lot. I’ve used distractions to not let myself go into this dark place they call grief. But the counselor says I need to go there in order to pick myself up again and not drag it on forever. So I’m trying to dedicate specific times for Lyndsey. I’m trying to write to her, it’s just hard to see the paper sometimes…
I have learnt a lot over the past few months. Maybe some of my feelings are similar to the way Lyndsey was feeling when we knew the reality, but continued to pray for a miracle. Which makes sense, she started a blog “learning to love”. It is exactly what I’m now trying to do. Not doing very well, but I’m trying. The fun in life is completely gone. I try hard to distract myself, with my amazing friends. I legit call any of them up and they are here for as long as I need. Had too many late nights with good friends that had to work the next day. Means more to me than you know. I’ve got my Sawyer, that seems to be the only thing that puts a true smile on my face. But I’m tired, and struggle raising him alone. My family has been amazing in that department, not sure what I would do without them. I am completely exhausted, no matter how much I sleep. I miss my energy, I have none.
It feels super awkward sharing and just talking about myself. But if you take anything away from this at all, please don’t take your partner for granted. It’s coming from someone that had the one, and lost it. It’s not like I can even be angry because of something or a reason for things falling apart. They never would have, we had that true love. In it until the end. We get caught up in the stresses of everyday life. We spend the majority of our time working, getting ahead. Don’t get me wrong, I know it is part of life. I enjoy the finer things in life like all the rest and will continue to do so. But, it’s not the most important part. The person you choose to spend the rest of your life with is. Lyndsey and I had something really special. We told each other all the time how much we loved each other. I never questioned that. But now that she’s gone, it still doesn’t feel like I said it enough, or showed her enough. She was incredible. Show your loved ones. Put away that pride or whatever it is that prevents you from fully opening up. When they’re gone, they’re gone. She would have sold everything and moved to an island with me. As long as we were together, things were good. She sent me this once.
A boat was docked in a tiny Mexican fishing village. A tourist complimented the local fishermen on the quality of their fish and asked how long it took to catch them. "Not very long" they answered in unison. "Why didn't you stay out longer and catch more?" The fishermen explained that their small catches were sufficient to meet their needs and those of their families. "But what do you do with the rest of your time?" "We sleep late, fish a little, play with our children, and take siestas with our wives. In the evenings, we go into the village to see our friends, have a few drinks, play the guitar, and sing a few songs. We have a full life." The tourist interrupted, "I have an MBA from Harvard and I can help you! You should start by fishing longer every day. You can then sell the extra fish you catch. With the extra revenue, you can buy a bigger boat." "And after that?" "With the extra money the larger boat will bring, you can buy a second one and a third one and so on until you have an entire fleet of trawlers. Instead of selling your fish to a middle man, you can then negotiate directly with the processing plants and maybe even open your own plant. You can then leave this little village and move to Mexico City, Los Angeles, or even New York City!!! From there you can direct your huge new enterprise." "How long would that take?" "Twenty, perhaps twenty-five years." replied the tourist. "And after that?" "Afterwards? Well my friend, that's when it gets really interesting," answered the tourist, laughing. "When your business gets really big, you can start buying and selling stocks and make millions!" "Millions? Really? And after that?" asked the fishermen. "After that you'll be able to retire, live in a tiny village near the coast, sleep late, play with your children, catch a few fish, take a siesta with your wife and spend your evenings drinking and enjoying your friends." "With all due respect sir, but that's exactly what we are doing now. So what's the point wasting twenty-five years?" asked the Mexicans. And the moral of this story is: Know where you're going in life, you may already be there! Many times in life, money is not everything. “Live your life before life becomes lifeless”
Lately I’ve been battling with the saying it will be worth it in the end. I don’t feel like Lyndsey had an end. I always thought that meant when you grow old. Life was not fair to her, especially someone as amazing as her. It was way too soon. I can honestly say she had no faults. I still find random things at times that I feel was left for me. I even found a note she wrote for me, things she wanted me to know when she was gone. God that’s hard to say. That note means so much to me. I have no idea what I believe in, and going through all this didn’t help. But, there has been multiple signs that continue. Some seem to be too big of a coincidence. Some are jaw dropping and give people goose bumps when I share. Who knows. I was going through photos on the iPad the other day and found this screenshot she took. I feel like she did these things for me, knowing.
I miss and love her so much, my heart physically hurts. I don’t know how often I will do this, or if it’s even worth it. Im just figuring out how this site works today, but found a draft post in here called “letter to my friends”. I will post it in the days to come, because obviously it was meant for all of you.
Much love, Chad