Still in shock

No idea what I’m doing, but neither did Lyndsey. A friend of hers told me she wanted me to keep her blog going. I had super mixed feelings. I’m not the greatest at sharing mine and felt like it was a lot of pressure. I always thought I should do some kind of final blog post to honor her, but to continue it? Then, last night a friend of mine told me I should write a blog post. For some reason it stuck. I got up this morning and just started writing. If its what Lyndsey wanted, then here I am. From the cuff.

I’ve recently found out what it’s like to hit rock bottom, alone. I’ve never felt so lonely in my entire life. I’m off all medication now, I don’t think it was for me. Plus it’s normal to grieve, wouldn’t be if I didn’t. I’ve been speaking with a counselor and I think it helps, a lot. I’ve used distractions to not let myself go into this dark place they call grief. But the counselor says I need to go there in order to pick myself up again and not drag it on forever. So I’m trying to dedicate specific times for Lyndsey. I’m trying to write to her, it’s just hard to see the paper sometimes…

I have learnt a lot over the past few months. Maybe some of my feelings are similar to the way Lyndsey was feeling when we knew the reality, but continued to pray for a miracle. Which makes sense, she started a blog “learning to love”. It is exactly what I’m now trying to do. Not doing very well, but I’m trying. The fun in life is completely gone. I try hard to distract myself, with my amazing friends. I legit call any of them up and they are here for as long as I need. Had too many late nights with good friends that had to work the next day. Means more to me than you know. I’ve got my Sawyer, that seems to be the only thing that puts a true smile on my face. But I’m tired, and struggle raising him alone. My family has been amazing in that department, not sure what I would do without them. I am completely exhausted, no matter how much I sleep. I miss my energy, I have none.

It feels super awkward sharing and just talking about myself. But if you take anything away from this at all, please don’t take your partner for granted. It’s coming from someone that had the one, and lost it. It’s not like I can even be angry because of something or a reason for things falling apart. They never would have, we had that true love. In it until the end. We get caught up in the stresses of everyday life. We spend the majority of our time working, getting ahead. Don’t get me wrong, I know it is part of life. I enjoy the finer things in life like all the rest and will continue to do so. But, it’s not the most important part. The person you choose to spend the rest of your life with is. Lyndsey and I had something really special. We told each other all the time how much we loved each other. I never questioned that. But now that she’s gone, it still doesn’t feel like I said it enough, or showed her enough. She was incredible. Show your loved ones. Put away that pride or whatever it is that prevents you from fully opening up. When they’re gone, they’re gone. She would have sold everything and moved to an island with me. As long as we were together, things were good. She sent me this once.

A boat was docked in a tiny Mexican fishing village. A tourist complimented the local fishermen on the quality of their fish and asked how long it took to catch them.

"Not very long" they answered in unison.

"Why didn't you stay out longer and catch more?"

The fishermen explained that their small catches were sufficient to meet their needs and those of their families.

"But what do you do with the rest of your time?"

"We sleep late, fish a little, play with our children, and take siestas with our wives. In the evenings, we go into the village to see our friends, have a few drinks, play the guitar, and sing a few songs. We have a full life."

The tourist interrupted, "I have an MBA from Harvard and I can help you! You should start by fishing longer every day. You can then sell the extra fish you catch. With the extra revenue, you can buy a bigger boat."

"And after that?"

"With the extra money the larger boat will bring, you can buy a second one and a third one and so on until you have an entire fleet of trawlers. Instead of selling your fish to a middle man, you can then negotiate directly with the processing plants and maybe even open your own plant. You can then leave this little village and move to Mexico City, Los Angeles, or even New York City!!! From there you can direct your huge new enterprise."

"How long would that take?"

"Twenty, perhaps twenty-five years." replied the tourist.

"And after that?"

"Afterwards? Well my friend, that's when it gets really interesting," answered the tourist, laughing. "When your business gets really big, you can start buying and selling stocks and make millions!"

"Millions? Really? And after that?" asked the fishermen.

"After that you'll be able to retire, live in a tiny village near the coast, sleep late, play with your children, catch a few fish, take a siesta with your wife and spend your evenings drinking and enjoying your friends."

"With all due respect sir, but that's exactly what we are doing now. So what's the point wasting twenty-five years?" asked the Mexicans.

And the moral of this story is:

Know where you're going in life, you may already be there! Many times in life, money is not everything.

“Live your life before life becomes lifeless”

Lately I’ve been battling with the saying it will be worth it in the end. I don’t feel like Lyndsey had an end. I always thought that meant when you grow old. Life was not fair to her, especially someone as amazing as her. It was way too soon. I can honestly say she had no faults. I still find random things at times that I feel was left for me. I even found a note she wrote for me, things she wanted me to know when she was gone. God that’s hard to say. That note means so much to me. I have no idea what I believe in, and going through all this didn’t help. But, there has been multiple signs that continue. Some seem to be too big of a coincidence. Some are jaw dropping and give people goose bumps when I share. Who knows. I was going through photos on the iPad the other day and found this screenshot she took. I feel like she did these things for me, knowing.

Winnie the pooh

I miss and love her so much, my heart physically hurts.  I don’t know how often I will do this, or if it’s even worth it.  Im just figuring out how this site works today, but found a draft post in here called “letter to my friends”.  I will post it in the days to come, because obviously it was meant for all of you.

Much love, Chad

19 thoughts on “Still in shock”

  1. Chad our hearts are breaking for you. I know none of can know exactly how you feel and what you are going through, but we are here you for. I think that picture at the end is perfect and that she did leave that for you. She always did love Winnie the Pooh! I’m glad you shared this post, I know it must have been incredibly hard.
    Sawyer is such a lucky little man to have a great dad like you!

  2. Chad, I think of you and Sawyer alot. Your Facebook posts keep up with how you are doing. By the sounds of your lovely Lyndsey she was so amazing.
    I lost my sister in July of 2015 and it truly has rocked our world.
    I too went to a counselor, it never ever makes sense. Treasure the time you had with her, and my goodness you have a beautiful little guy.
    If you come to Calgary give me a call. We would love to meet Sawyer.
    Deb.
    Private msg me and I will give you my phone number.
    Xoxo

  3. Wow, you done great Chad! And I’m proud of you and your courage to write!
    I think of you often, and Sawyer
    I’m deeply sorry for your pain, though she seemed quiet and shy she spoke volumes and was always heard!!!and through you, her memory lives on!!
    Take care of yourself

  4. Excellent, Chad. You made me cry again. I know Lyndsey was the love of your life. Thank God you have Sawyer , your family and Lyndseys family. We think of you often Love great granny

  5. Chad my heart aches for you but so proud of you for sharing as Lyndsey would be. Lyndsey always told me you were the strongest man with the biggest heart………oh how well she knew you. Love you and Sawyer so, so much. xoxo
    Mom

  6. Really beautiful, Chad. Our hearts all hurt for you.
    Keep going, you are doing a great job of an incredibly difficult task. You are an amazing Dad. You honor Lyndsey with every step you take forward. Lyndsey lives on through you and Sawyer, and you will never lose that beautiful love that you have for her, and she, for the two of you.
    Sending our love,
    Parker, Michelle & Levi

  7. Chad, Lyndsey would be so proud of you for sharing this,and I know the verse with winnie the pooh was for you.I know how hard this is ,and Lyndsey would be so proud of how strong you are and what a great dad you are to Sawyer. Doug Kaylen Shane and myself will always be here for you and Sawyer. xoxoxo

  8. Chad I know you don’t know any of us. Of Lyndsey’s “mom” friends. But believe me when I tell you we think about you constantly. We hug our children and our spouses every day in memory. We are cheering for you in your role as both parents and there is never judgement, only support. I am really happy to see your blog continued, as something you are doing together, and anything you have to say is completely acceptable. If you guys ever need a playdate we have a whole lot of littles ready when you are !

  9. That screen shot that you found is so very true, just know that you are stronger than you believe! I can’t imagine how hard this must be for you but reaching out to your friends and loved ones will help you. I can imagine it felt strange to share so much deep thoughts on yourself and what you’re going through but I always believe there’s therapy in writing and sharing. I hope for better days ahead for you and keep you and Sawyer in my thoughts often. Lots of hugs and good thoughts! Ps that was beautifully written!

  10. I am so proud of you, Chad. Your courage and openness is so inspiring. We miss her so much and I couldn’t imagine the pin of not having your better half but those little signs are her, she is there with you. Smiling, laughing and watching you and sawyer grow ❤️

  11. Probably a super hard thing to write… I’m proud of you for sharing. Pretty accurate post from your mom. You are a super strong guy with one of the biggest hearts out there. Sawyer is lucky to have a dad like you.

  12. Chad, you are so worth the fight. Keep looking for Lynds in places, she is there. And I’m sure she would say it over and over, you are the man she always wanted her son to grow up to be like. Even on the toughest of days….you exemplify loyalty and love. Hugs xox

  13. Thanks for sharing Chad. Hugged Kristin a little longer and tighter… Glad you shared. We love you guys and are here for both Sawyer and yourself .

  14. Chad – thanks so much for sharing what you are going thru. As i watch Lynda going thru so much pain every day and finding it difficult many days just to “go on”, I know what you are going thru. And i also know Lyndsey would want you and Lynda and all the others grieving so strongly to grieve for her, but to also move forward – to laugh again, to love again, and to take some of what she gave each of us with her spirit, her wisdom, her courage, her love. Not a day goes by when I do not think of Lyndsey and you and Sawyer… Yes she was “one of a kind” – a true gift from heaven for all of us who had the opportunity to be close to her. Give yourself the time you need to grieve and you will know when you can start moving forward – one step at a time. Hope to see you both soon. Lots of love…

  15. Chad, I know we never got to know eachother, but please know when I say that I think of you and sawyer every single day. Everyday I look at my children growing and I physically hurt knowing that Lyndsey isn’t here to share all sawyers accomplishments with you. I miss her so much and can only imagine how you are all feeling. Thank you for sharing this as I always wonder how you are doing. Take care chad.

  16. Chad.. that was so beautifully written. I think about you often and will forever be grateful that you chose me to be there when your son was born. Lyndsey was such a beautiful soul and I will never forget the last time I saw her. Thank you for being so real and honest in your blog!

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